Introspection.

"What I want to do to you... nah, really it's for you, is open my mental window, hoping that you will climb in, or if not, at least look in. I want to take you to places that I have been and to the places that I want to go. I mean this blog, it ain't all that I got, but it does mean a lot to me, I injected my whole being into it, and I've been doing it for a while, it's like my whole life has become a style. I want to get into it... yeah."

- Common 

   Of course Common wasn't talking about a blog here, he was talking about music but whatever, the rest of it mostly fits. It's from a song "Introspection" which is the intro to one of my favorite albums, "One Day it Will All Make Sense". Great album if you've never heard listened to it.... Anyway, I have spent an awful lot of time over the past few months being very introspective about myself and who I am for the better and more often than not for the worse. I've learned quite a few things and I thought that I should share a part of my travels from a personal standpoint.

   First and foremost I want to apologize to someone who I KNOW will never read this 1. He doesn't speak english and 2. I doubt he has internet access. That is our former gate guard, I won't put his name out, even though he has literally the most popular name on the planet. We treated him like ish and he really didn't deserve it. Well, we treated him like ish by OUR standards but for a local he had it decently well. Anyway, through him I noticed that I definitely do look down on some people and regard them as lesser. About halfway through my time with him I thought about how he might one day use our toilet and I was disgusted about it. Afterwards I immediately thought about that movie "The Help" and how that same scenario played out. I am not proud that I think this way and now that I am aware of it I'm sure I will notice other ways in which I look down on other people. This probably makes me a bad person. I both hope and do not hope that I'm the only one who does this.

   Secondly, I've noticed that I require a woman to like me way too much. I think I noticed this after I broke up with the Ginger and decided to be celibate for awhile. Anyway, I did not like the person I became after the Monkey and I broke up AT ALL. The emotions that I felt and furthermore, the reasons behind the emotions that I was feeling were not the emotions of someone who has a healthy view of relationships. I really took that breakup  and the subsequent trials and tribulations as some kind of referendum of who I was. I get that everyone goes through something like this after every breakup, but I never hear men say things the way I felt. For some, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, <~~~ I cannot stress those really's enough strange reason I roll not being wanted by a woman with my mom dying. Does that make ANY logical sense? Nope WTF BRAIN???????

   Not to end this on a negative note (this could easily be a thesis length  work on my person shortcomings) I have learned that I do have a genuine desire to see people do well. There was a time when I would tell people that "I'm all about positivity" and encourage people to be and do positive things but not really believe it. Now, I've noticed that I really do believe that. It's not just talk to me. I genuinely want to see people be and do awesome, even when I would get zero benefit out of it. I get legitimately excited when people are progressing and big things for themselves and I know that I say it with ZERO hate. I know there is that maxim that "they want to see you do good, but never more than that" but I really don't think that applies to me. I love to see people do good, but seeing them do great is even better! I suppose lots of people think that they think this way but I don't think there would exist the whole Haters and you post if people really wanted to see you do well.

   This is by no means all of the things that I discovered about myself. Like I said earlier, I could drone on and on about my shortcomings. I could also extol some of my virtues, but my mind doesn't work that way, it always focuses on what I am currently not doing well at. All that said, I think noticing one's failings and attempting to correct them, while balancing that with some positivity is very important for growth as a person.

Or, I'm just a bad person, I'm going to go with the former.